Safely inside, she began to unpack her bag. She contemplated her plan as she systematically lined the bottle of pills on the night stand. No one could stop her now. She had driven out of town, registered under a false name, and placed the do not disturb sign on her door. This time she would make no mistakes. She would take the pills quickly to assure that death would come before she could be rescued. Her suicide was not a cry for help. She wanted to die.

For the last fifteen years, Eileen had worked hard in therapy to bring her life back together. She was raising her two sons and had managed to complete her masters in counseling. The painful memories of childhood abuse had not kept her from securing a job as a college professor. She had learned to cope with the limitations of a multiple personality.

Unfortunately, she had recently uncovered memories with which she could not live. Her family had subjected her to ritualistic abuse; consequently, she had participated and observed events that are too horrifying to describe. These memories were more than she could bear.

Even though she was a child when these events occurred, she considered herself evil and wanted to die. She loved her two sons, but she felt that they would be better off with out her. Her first suicide attempt had failed. This time she had to succeed.

Gulping as many pills as she could, Eileen waited for the inevitable. It was not long before she drifted into unconsciousness, the darkness of death overtaking her.

Suddenly the darkness opened, and Eileen found herself standing at the end of a tunnel of light. She moved easily through the tunnel to the other side where she was surrounded by the most beautiful light she had ever experienced. She was filled with the feelings of love.

Even though she was without her body, she was conscious of her individual self. She found herself in the Presence of God. She knew immediately she was a part of God, and she was one with God. There was no sense of separation; there was only God.

Eileen had committed suicide because she believed the events in her life were unforgivable. In this light, she discovered there was no need for forgiveness because in God there is no judgment. She was totally loved just as she was.

The message came for her to return to fulfill her mission on earth. Two days later, she returned to her body, experiencing a peace that passes all understanding. Although there is no way to be sure, Eileen believes she died and spent two days in the Presence of God.

Upon her return, Eileen called a friend to ask for help. Her friend called the police, who took her to the hospital. She was in such a state of peace that the doctor discharged her, bypassing the usual psychiatric observation time.

When asked what she learned from her crisis, Eileen says she now knows she can go through anything. She has learned that she is a part of God and that God is all light and love. She is no longer so critical of herself because God does not judge.

Eileen says that her life has not been without challenges. She had to make a conscious effort to change her thoughts, bringing them in line with what she learned in her near death experience. She continues to use affirmations and prayer to deprogram her old way of thinking, allowing her to express more of her true identity as a part of God.

Marty Varnadoe Dow, LCSW